I think its easy for us to say DTMFA because we know none of the other persons good qualities. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Exactly. While I didnt see any helpful scripts for the well-meaning partner in this situation, this post did help me understand better how she might feel. Not many people at soup kitchens are gonna want to hear Dude mansplain to them how they can improve their lives. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years and living together for 1. Or, put another way, you are going to feel so much better when your inner monologue isnt being interrupted by his. Congratulations on all the work you have done and everything you have accomplished. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. anyone who doesnt think youre good enough does not deserve you. He could be funny, kind, generous, and decent. I had a boyfriend like that once. And thats the thing, I guess. Affection is not only limited to physical touch -- he may also avoid showing affection through words. He wont be straightforward in saying no because by using that word he doesnt have to face any consequences for his direct refusal. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? They threaten to break up with you all the time. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. I spent 10 years in this same spot eventually he broke up with me because I was not trying hard enough to evolve as a person. Its only been 8 months since that happened, but I havent been this happy in years. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. Finally I flat out refused. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. The situation seems chock full of red flags to me. okay you have got a lot of permission to dump comments here and I dont want to dismiss what other people read in your letter but offer another perspective. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. Because if Im honestly doing it to help, I should do (and should want to do only) what is actually going to be helpful. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. I dont know your boyfriend or all of the details. This is a guy who hasnt figured out that nagging doesnt work despite all kinds of evidence to the contrary. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. One notable occasion was when I got interested in a new industry and there was a 3 day workshop I wanted to attend. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. I do find that if Im in a good place, exercise will help jump-start my mood if Im in danger of falling into a depression and it helps maintain my positive mood and energy. If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. We both loved science fiction. So, I thought about it and suggested I could go buy him a bunch of veggies he likes and he could randomly munch on those when he had cravings. Best of luck and all my thoughts. Being supportive is hard. It sounds as though its not simply a case of dump him, because that can be hard, especially when youre trying to sustain a healing process. Validation. Initially, he nagged, but eventually he worked out that didnt help (because I told him so and he listened), and he stopped. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. The impression Im getting from your letter is your boyfriends goals are mostly about him, and making him feel good and making him look good. Cosigned. Anger is about taking, not giving. Low self-esteem. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. In retrospect I think that I was correct about her commitment level BUT I still put all the focus on her rather than dealing with my own portion of those concerns and my personal issues. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. (ALSO he sounds like the sneering voice of trying to stop CSP behaviours once youre in the zone with them.) said nothing about it just supported me about going, and listened to me talking about it and was totally go you! If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. It can be really hard from the outside. I agree! When your boyfriend stops making an effort, there may be a good reason behind it. Good job former-me! Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. Run. I hope others have advice too. (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. If you like to cook, it might be really awesome if you two discuss the idea of having friends over for dinner a bit more often. Not really. LW, Im sorry youre struggling with depression, and Id like to offer you a fist-bump of commiseration for the emotional work youre already doing, if youd like that. There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. One way we help one another is literally asking How can I help support you on this? He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? I had the same thing with the hubs about soup (soup!) He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. LW, Im so sorry youre dealing with this. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. Flags everywhere! And you know what? And when youve told him that hes being unhelpful, and hes told you its the stupidest thing Ive ever heard that you might have your own thoughts on your health and what you need That is him being a jerk to you. On time! Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Helpful. A Redditor has been slammed online for trying to dictate to their sister's boyfriend how they should eat their dinner. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. And I am proud of him for taking a step toward being healthier. Slowly cut these people out of your life. Leaving an abusive partner later on didnt scare me as much. I know plenty of people who want to be helpful but dont really know how. Gastrointestinal distress. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. He stopped trying "He stopped trying, I couldn't even remember the last time we went on a real date. When I left my abusive family? I told my dude that when I dont eat I get crankier and that I need to eat and i specifically told him that if I try to get out of eating he should provide me with food. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. Any way you do it, its all good. In another car. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. You still get to decide whether you like him. When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. So even if what LW does affected her bf a lot (and it doesnt), the two of them putting themselves in the position of BF polices LW is bad for both of them. God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! 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